


Of Warts and Wrestling

by riacte



Series: Hermitcrack [1]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, It's about the wrestling match, This is very chaotic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:26:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23479189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riacte/pseuds/riacte
Summary: Iskall had just wanted some Nether warts. Well, specifically, ten Nether warts. Now he's the referee of a wrestling match he knows nothing about, and Cub keeps on saying "cream of the crop".(In other words, Iskall gets very, very confused.)
Series: Hermitcrack [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737631
Comments: 16
Kudos: 79





	Of Warts and Wrestling

Iskall had just wanted some warts. 

He had decided a few potions would come in handy, but then he realized he didn't have the most crucial ingredient- Nether warts. So Iskall took out his communicator and sent a message to his fellow hermits.

 **< iskall85> **does anyone have a lot of wart?

On second thoughts, Iskall didn't need _that_ much wart. It wasn't like he was trying to open a potion shop; he just wanted a couple of potions. "A lot" seemed like a bad phrase to use, so Iskall quickly amended his message by sending another text. 

**< iskall85>** or like, 10 wart

Iskall waited for a reply. He wondered if his neighbours could help him, but Mumbo was busy working on his mega base (of doom!), Stress was probably collecting sand, and Scar was apparently "enchanting his villagers", whatever that meant. And Grian said he had some business to do in the shopping district.

To be frank, Iskall had thought that some of the more technical hermits such as Cub and Xisuma would've managed to obtain warts, and might've even created a small farm, but still, no one replied. Iskall frowned and ran a hand through his short, shaggy hair. Was everyone busy?

Well, Iskall _could_ go to the Nether and find some warts himself, but it wasn't easy to get into a Nether fortress when all of their portals were on the roof of the Nether. And besides, Iskall didn't want to risk his life in the hellish dimension for ten measly Nether warts. 

On second thoughts, someone might have set up a shop for Nether warts- it was unlikely, but still Iskall thought there was no harm in paying a visit to the shopping district. Besides, he could go and see if he had any profits at his slime shop. 

But his train of thought was interrupted when Iskall stepped through the shopping district portal and heard distant yelling from what looked like an… arena? Iskall could even see a bunch of hermits jumping around the arena, cheering and screaming with all their might. 

Iskall was so confused. What was going on? What were his friends up to? He readied his elytra and prepared to fly over to the arena-

His communicator beeped. 

_cubfan135 was slain by falsesymmetry-_

Iskall didn't even bother to read the rest of the message. So False had decided to kill Cub? Was that for the Head Games, or for whatever that was going on in the arena?

As Iskall flew near the arena, he began to recognize his fellow hermits. Doc, with his green creeper skin, was easy to identify, but he was shirtless for some reason? Standing next to Doc was Ren, who was also shirtless and tanned, with sweat glinting on his chest. Iskall took a quick peek at the other hermits and realized they were all wearing strange clothing (except for Etho). To his great surprise, he even found Grian there, wearing a black and white striped shirt. 

"Hello?" Iskall cried out, but his voice was drowned out by the tumultuous noise of the hermits yelling and whooping. Iskall haphazardly landed on one of the platforms and grabbed a man with an orange headband. It took Iskall three seconds to catch his breath. It took him another three seconds to recognize the man was Cub. 

Cub was seemingly unfazed by Iskall's sudden appearance. He held out a small cup of whipped cream. "Cream of the crop, boys?"

"Wha-"

A blue, slimey arm shot between Cub and Iskall. Jevin, also dressed in some weird wrestling gear, took the cup of cream. "Thanks, Cub!"

"We're the cream of the crop," Cub repeated. He took out another cup of cream and tried to thrust it into Iskall's arms. Iskall didn't take it. 

"Oh my goodness! _What_ is going on?!" Iskall exclaimed.

"See for yourself," Cub replied simply, and gestured to the arena below them. 

Iskall looked. He saw two figures with leather boots trying to stab each other with… wooden swords? One of them managed to hit the other and Iskall discovered the swords were enchanted with Knockback. Meanwhile, the hermits on both sides of the arena were screaming their heads off. To make matters more confusing, Grian was jumping and hopping about in the middle of the arena. Perhaps… perhaps he was acting as the referee?

"Is this like… advanced Head Games?" Iskall wondered out loud. A flash of red outside the arena caught his eye- it was a mooshroom. Which wasn't odd, considering that they were on a mushroom island, but Iskall could see that the mushroom was named. He used his robotic eye to zoom in, and found a name tag labeled "Pamela" flapping around the mooshroom's neck. Wait… Iskall had heard of that name. Was that Ren's lost mooshroom?

A great cheer sounded from both sides and Iskall turned to see Ren and Jevin leap into the arena. The other hermits, the ones on the platform, were using fishing rods to- to do what? Distract the enemy? To pull their teammates to safety? As Ren and Jevin circled each other, Ren started to mutter something about justice, which Iskall assumed was just typical Rendog role-playing. Iskall, still very confused about the entire ordeal, decided to observe the reactions of the hermits on the other side. Doc was standing there stoically, but Iskall swore he saw a hint of a smug smirk on his face. False was pumping her fists in the air, obviously rooting for Ren. Meanwhile, Etho was eating a sandwich. 

As Ren and Jevin smacked each other with their swords, Grian leaped towards them, trying to keep an eye on them. Ren roared, “Referee, get out of the way!”

“Yeah, Grian, stop getting between us!” Jevin snarled. 

Grian held up his hands in surrender. “Guys, I’m just trying to-”

“You know what, Iskall, you can be the referee,” Cub commented casually. “Cream of the crop and all that.”

Before Iskall could even react, Impulse and xB shared glances, and they immediately grabbed Iskall and threw him into the arena.

Iskall let out a scream that Stress would be proud of. 

Instantly, Iskall was enveloped with the scent of sweat and wood. His legs wobbled when he crash-landed into the arena. Ren, Jevin, and Grian all stared at him, completely frozen, the fight forgotten. 

The other hermits also became silent as they gaped at Iskall. (Well, most of them. Etho was still eating his sandwich.) It was absolutely jarring how one moment, Iskall’s ears were hurting from all of the yelling, and the other moment, you could hear a pin drop. It was ridiculous. 

“Well, Iskall _did_ serve as the referee for the duel between Doc Holliday and Ren the Kid,” Doc remarked. “He’s a much better referee than Grian.”

Grian placed a hand on his heart, mock-hurt. “Ex _cuse_ me, Doc!”

“Well, it’s official. Iskall is the new referee. He’s on the neutral party, and he’s not as annoying as Grian,” Cub stated with impressive calmness.

A chorus of “yeah”s and “you’re right”s sounded instantaneously as almost all of the hermits agreed on the new referee. Even Jevin and Ren shared polite nods of agreement.

“Why- why are you guys like this?” Grian asked as he looked around incredulously. “Here I am, in my referee suit, helping to maintain order in this arena, and you guys kick me out? Seriously?”

There was a pause. “Well, I suppose there can be two referees,” False suggested.

“Yeah!” Impulse agreed quickly. He glanced at Ren and Jevin. “Anyone got a problem with that?”

Iskall started to speak. “Well, _I_ have a problem with-”

“You better get ready for the Triple-R, son,” Ren drawled in a deep voice, already back into character.

“Ohh, you’re not getting Pamela back easily,” Jevin chuckled, similarly back in character. 

Grian nudged a very confused Iskall. “You need to restart the match,” he whispered.

Iskall sighed. He knew he couldn’t get out of this situation, so he decided to go along with whatever the heck was happening. “How do I restart this?”

“Well, you need to say ‘get ready to rumble’.”

“Oh, okay.” Iskall rubbed his hands together. That seemed simple enough. “Uh, umm, _get ready to rumble_?”

A beat. Then-

“That was so underwhelming compared to Grian’s feral roal,” Impulse called from above. Iskall could hear the other hermits mutter in agreement, but before he could dwell on it, Ren pounced towards Jevin, sword in his outstretched arm. 

“FOR PAMELA!” Ren unleashed a battle cry. 

Everything else was a blur afterwards. Iskall remembered everyone was screaming, he occasionally got hit by fishing rods, and people kept on saying “oh yeah” (Cub kept on saying “cream of the crop”). Iskall had no idea what he was doing, so he just hid behind Grian most of the time (but even with that, everyone assured him he was doing a much better job than Grian did). In the end, Ren managed to kill Impulse and Jevin with two blows, resulting in a win for him. With his side being victorious, a joyous Ren managed to rescue his mooshroom Pamela. Apparently Pamela’s kidnapping (or cownapping) was why Ren decided to challenge Jevin to a wrestling match. 

Before Iskall knew it, everyone was throwing out “GG”s and slapping each other on the back. Cub passed out cups of cream, and Etho finally finished eating his sandwich. Just as quickly as it began, it ended. Ren thanked everyone for joining and promptly left the scene with Pamela. Everyone else was quick to go, and soon, only Iskall remained at the arena.

Iskall was feeling very… discombobulated (see, he learnt words from Mumbo!). He had _no idea_ what had just happened, plus everything happened so quickly, his brain could hardly catch up. Somehow, everyone declared him as the MVP of the match and gave him the player heads that they had obtained. Iskall knew the logical thing to do was to submit them for the Head Game, but Iskall was too exhausted to even consider that. 

Iskall dragged his feet to his starter base, and began to put the player heads in a chest. As he went through his storage system, memories started to flood back to him. He had come to the shopping district in search of something… something from the Nether…

Iskall jolted up.

Even after everything that had happened, every crazy thing he’d seen, after every “oh yeah” that he’d heard-

 _He still didn’t have his Nether warts._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, uhh, this is one crazy fic. But seriously, the wrestling match brings a smile to my face every time I watch it. It's just too chaotic and hilarious. 
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes, once again I'm writing at 12am. Oh yeah. 
> 
> Uhh, hope you guys liked reading this! Sorry if it's too crack :P


End file.
